I Need You So Much Closer.

So here I am. Working at the "Happiest Place on Earth" waiting to go do the most terrifying thing of my entire life. I will be leaving to go teach English in a public school in Korea in almost exactly a month. At times it seems like I have a while before I have to start making the tougher calls but for the most part I just see myself nearing closer and closer to the mountain. As I approach it rises higher and higher in the sky. Every thumbnail closer that the peak reaches for the moon, is another mile I will have to climb. I do, of course, wish to climb this mountain. With all of my heart I do. The altitude, however, is still intimidating.

One of the most interesting things that has been going on in my mind has been revolving around what I now refer to the "quarter life crisis". Ask any of the friends I have (namely the ones I have had drinks with) and they will tell you that this has been a large part of my ranting for the last few months. I have been folding and pounding the idea like pizza dough in my mind for months now. Just the usual mid-twenties angst/identity crisis/existential meltdown.

You see, I used to ask easy questions like "How am I going to get rent in on time?" "How am I going to date this pretty girl?" "How am I going to pass this class?". Obviously they seem heavy and deep but realistically (and evidently) they were solvable. I say evidently because I did get the rent, the pretty girl, and pass the class. But. BUT. Now I am left with the hard questions like, "Who am I?" "What am I going to become?" "Why am I here?" "What difference am I making, really?". These are the tough ones. These questions, like an exploded pen, bleed into all of my white clothes. And every thing else- music, books, movies, relationships. I care less about that I like or care about these things and more about why. 


I get it Death Cab, I get it. 


 So, now that I know the root of this disease, now I know how to purge myself of it. The solution? Get the hell out. This couldn't have been more perfectly timed with my monumental, year long move. As I mentioned before, I am still simply just approaching the beast but that has proven to not be an easy thing either.

Through my quarter life crisis, leaving everything I know for a year, and trying to find out what every single Death Cab song means I hope I come out of the ordeal being able to hold myself with a little more confidence. I feel, as if the older I get, the more this excerpt from Sartre makes sense. I will leave you with his words, not mine.


 “I have crossed the seas, I have left cities behind me, and I have followed the source of rivers towards their source or plunged into forests, always making for other cities. I have had women, I have fought with men ; and I could never turn back any more than a record can spin in reverse. And all that was leading me where ? To this very moment...” ― Jean-Paul Sartre