The Bad Days

Through this whole Korea process I have been unable to shake the feeling of anxiety most often coupled with something going wrong. Everyone is saying, “relax! Everything is in order and you are going!” At first I attributed this looming dread to nerves, simply writing it off because I have never been on an adventure this big before. Now I am for the large majority of the time a very upbeat and positive person but recent news has come to light that has affirmed my previous worries.

A hang up. A big, last minute, terrifying, serious hang up.

As most of you know I walked in the graduation ceremony in the Spring of 2012.

As some of you know I did so with a class and a half (5 units) outstanding so that I could walk with my best friends and take care of the loose ends in the summer. So I did (well I partied and worked full time so I got rid of those units in the Spring.) But I DID finish and I am done with my undergraduate college journey.

As none of you know, I have yet to receive my hard copy diploma. Now a mixture of miscommunication and, to be fair, my ignorance has led me to here. I need my official, finished, transcripts AND my hardcopy diploma in by next week (July 27^th).

So come Monday, I have to call Vanguard, get the number of the outside company that prints the documents, Give them $70 to expedite the damn thing, hope it comes in on time. After that it is just a short trip to get it photocopied, notarized, and apostled (whatever the hell that means) and then putting all of it together and over-nighting it to freaking KOREA.

I am sorry I am venting about all of this but I would just hate to have something so technical and trivial stop my plans for a life changing experience so late in the process. Any prayers, thoughts, or groovy vibes you can send my way would be appreciated. I am kind of freaking out. 

Sowing Season

Alright. So today I woke up to a package on my bed. I opened it and found inside my EPIK contract. That is one way to wake up. In it I found out that I am going to need to be in Korea on August 18^th and that I will be teaching somewhere in the Chungbuk Province. Now while I like being able to sound cultured by saying “Chungbuk Province” I am still a little bit worried about being placed in the sticks. Through my research I have found that there are three  relatively large cities in Chungbuk but I have a really strong feeling that they will be something like the Korean version of Delaware. “We’re in… Delaware…” To quote Wayne’s World. The biggest of these cities is Cheongju so, seeing as I probably won’t find out my city until well into my ten day orientation, I will be crossing my fingers for Cheongju.

                I am looking for a bigger city, not because I am looking to live that McDonald or Starbucks life, but because I am extroverted to a fault. Seriously. I have a four hour limit to how long I can be alone without talking to/hanging out with someone (preferably English speaking). While you might be thinking, “Yeah, but Kyle, this whole painful isolation could be a great learning and growing experience for you” I fear I might go insane and start talking to myself (and responding).

                However, I am a pretty positive guy so I got to look at the upsides!

South Korea is small. Very small. So I will be about twenty minutes from everything worth doing.

I will be about an hour from Seoul.

I will be about two hours from Busan (the beach)

I will be about forty minutes from Daejeon

The list goes on. Also, population-wise, the bigger cities are still bigger than my hometown (Riverside, CA). I called my mom and she made some pretty valid points, as she does when she isn’t busy stressing me out. I could start a novel or a screenplay, I could find myself, this will make me see more of Korea because I will want to leave to the bigger cities. When all is said and done as long as there is a good bar, a good café, and a couple good friends I will be okay.

Also I put in my two weeks’ notice at Disneyland today but I will probably have to come back to that subject when the last day draws a bit nearer. 

I Need You So Much Closer.

So here I am. Working at the "Happiest Place on Earth" waiting to go do the most terrifying thing of my entire life. I will be leaving to go teach English in a public school in Korea in almost exactly a month. At times it seems like I have a while before I have to start making the tougher calls but for the most part I just see myself nearing closer and closer to the mountain. As I approach it rises higher and higher in the sky. Every thumbnail closer that the peak reaches for the moon, is another mile I will have to climb. I do, of course, wish to climb this mountain. With all of my heart I do. The altitude, however, is still intimidating.

One of the most interesting things that has been going on in my mind has been revolving around what I now refer to the "quarter life crisis". Ask any of the friends I have (namely the ones I have had drinks with) and they will tell you that this has been a large part of my ranting for the last few months. I have been folding and pounding the idea like pizza dough in my mind for months now. Just the usual mid-twenties angst/identity crisis/existential meltdown.

You see, I used to ask easy questions like "How am I going to get rent in on time?" "How am I going to date this pretty girl?" "How am I going to pass this class?". Obviously they seem heavy and deep but realistically (and evidently) they were solvable. I say evidently because I did get the rent, the pretty girl, and pass the class. But. BUT. Now I am left with the hard questions like, "Who am I?" "What am I going to become?" "Why am I here?" "What difference am I making, really?". These are the tough ones. These questions, like an exploded pen, bleed into all of my white clothes. And every thing else- music, books, movies, relationships. I care less about that I like or care about these things and more about why. 


I get it Death Cab, I get it. 


 So, now that I know the root of this disease, now I know how to purge myself of it. The solution? Get the hell out. This couldn't have been more perfectly timed with my monumental, year long move. As I mentioned before, I am still simply just approaching the beast but that has proven to not be an easy thing either.

Through my quarter life crisis, leaving everything I know for a year, and trying to find out what every single Death Cab song means I hope I come out of the ordeal being able to hold myself with a little more confidence. I feel, as if the older I get, the more this excerpt from Sartre makes sense. I will leave you with his words, not mine.


 “I have crossed the seas, I have left cities behind me, and I have followed the source of rivers towards their source or plunged into forests, always making for other cities. I have had women, I have fought with men ; and I could never turn back any more than a record can spin in reverse. And all that was leading me where ? To this very moment...” ― Jean-Paul Sartre